I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
