Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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