i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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