ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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