In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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