Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
