I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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