I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
