i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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