Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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