get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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