If that was your dad, he is hot
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
