I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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