He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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