you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
