Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
