We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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