nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
