so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
