I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
