I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
