Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He shit in the fireplace
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
