found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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