i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I made him laugh his dick is mine
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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