He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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