I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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