Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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