lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
