In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
