i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
