i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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