you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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