We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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