The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize