Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
