at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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