I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
