He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
