when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
