I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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