Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
