We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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