I could have mohawked her pubes.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
