You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
