I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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