I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
