That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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