I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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