It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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