if only i could text you this smell
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
