im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
