Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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