i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
