Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
