You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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