Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
