How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
