Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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