My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
