Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
