there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My penis needs a shock collar
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
