this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
