I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
