i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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