I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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