The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
