he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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