Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
